The Crew

James Magnum
Rank: Captain

Ship’s captain and a born leader. His cavalier attitude and quick wit have helped the crew out of many a sticky situation. Having dropped out of Harvard for reasons involving a lemon wedge, the dean’s daughter, and a flowbee, his knack for getting out of tough situations is only surpassed by his keen ability to get into them.

Khan Noonien Monkey
Rank: Leiutenant Commander, Ship’s Chief Engineer

Captain Magnum bought Khan from a transient in the lower west side of manhattan for a comb, 37 cents, and a half empty pack of runts. Khan Noonien Monkey is a regular spider monkey that confused his kibble in the lab one day with a brain enhancing steroid. His IQ is now 140 and his sex drive has risen equally. On a side note, he is unmatched in his skills of mechanics and thermodynamics. His hobbies include throwing feces at people in the hall, and humping anything that looks like a potato. He’s quite the ladies man, though will attack anyone he sees using airquotes or saying “quote-un-quote.”

Vader Gettothechopper Spock
Rank: Commander, Ship’s First officer and chief science officer.

First officer and Best friend to Captain Magnum. Spock is responsible for the discovery of warp drive and made this ship a reality with his unsurpassed knowledge of physics and science. Having an IQ of 163, he loves marbles and anything Japanese. Six weeks prior to leaving earth, Spock had his ears cosmetically altered to look like those of a Vulcan citizen. The same day he received his Nobel prize for temporal distortion in singularity driven solid state matter, he also received a “E” Award for nerdiest person ever.

Dr. Comely Forceps
Rank: Ships Chief Medical Doctor

A brilliant doctor and published author he has the bedside manner of a plate of microwaved slugs covered in diarrhea. He enjoys gardening in the eco-dome and putting together puzzles. On Earth, Dr. Forceps was Rupret and Captain Magnum’s primary care physician. He is a Jew and brought his cat Lahiem aboard the Ed Begley Jr.

Boobs
Rank: Lieutenant, Ship’s pilot and Communications Officer

Boobs is a stripper, aka Boobs McGee, that jumped out of a cake at Dr. Forcep’s 45th birthday party. While jumping out she slipped on some frosting and developed a rapport with the good doctor. She received her PHD. in astrophysics shortly after eating some of Khan Noonien Monkey’s brain enhancing kibble which she mistook for chex mix. The only side effect the drug has on Lieutenant Boobs is that for about thirteen minutes a day she is legally retarded. Besides that she has an IQ of 145 and size DDD breasts. Her hobbies include discrete mathematics and putting her ankles behind her head.

Rupret
Rank: None.

Captain Magnum’s baby brother and a stowaway on U.S.S. Ed Begley Jr.

Uncle Morb
Rank: Sub-Leiutenant, Consult to Engineering and Navigation

Captain Magnum’s uncle and genius.

Pierre LeTwat
Rank: Ensign-Lieutenant, Ships Cook

Pierre LeTwat was the cook at the local Chucky Cheese’s in Captain Magnum’s hometown in Oregon and now the Ed Begley’s head chef. An accomplished master of the culinary arts, he was kicked out of the prestigious Paris Culinary School for his insistence on using tarragon in everything. A flamboyant libra, many people mistake his French shwa de vive as homosexuality. He enjoys having high tea with imaginary friends and covering himself in peanut butter while watching episodes of the A-Team on mute.

Seen throughout the ship from time to time, redshirts outnumber the officers 10 to 1. The redshirts are the lifeblood of the U.S.S. Ed Begely Jr. Their actual rank is designated right below the rank of Worthless Piece of Crap. They work long hours, are subjected to any number of possible humiliating circumstances and are used as general cannon fodder, all for the chance of someday being promoted by Captain Magnum.